GOOD EVENING OFFICER
GOOD EVENING ALL
MY NAME IS DENIS LAING
AND WHAT YOU’RE LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW
IS THE PREAMBLE TO THE SONG FAGS AND MATCHES

SOME SONGS NEED NO INTRODUCTION
OTHER SONGS COULD USE A LITTLE HELP
BUT I’VE GOT THIS SONG CALLED FAGS AND MATCHES
AND ITS SO OBTUSE AS IT NEEDS ITS OWN PREAMBLE JUST TO MAKE IT PALATABLE

YOU’D THINK A GOOD SONG WOULD TELL ITS OWN STORY
BUT I NEVER SAID THIS WAS A GOOD SONG

BUT ANYWAY
THE STORY OF FAGS AND MATCHES BEGINS IN 1971 IN KABUL AFGHANISTAN
WHERE ME AND MY BUDDIES SPEND A WEEK
DURING AN OVERLAND TREK FROM LONDON TO INDIA

WE WERE THERE TO SMOKE AS MUCH DOPE AS WE POSSIBLY COULD
AND I REMEMBER I HAD A GIANT BOTTLE OF COUGH MIXTURE IN ME BACKPACK
FOR JUST SUCH AN EVENING

WELL WHEN WE GOT TO OUR HOTEL ROOM
IT WAS SO BIG THAT EVERYBODY HUNG OUT WITH US
TO SMOKE-A THE DOPE-A AND PLAY TUNES ON MY GUITAR AND WHATNOT
KIND OS JUST LIKE WHAT I’M DOIN RIGHT NOW

THERE WAS AN OPIUM DEN ON EITHER SIDE OF OUR HOTEL
SO YOU COULDN’T GET LOST
WELL UNLESS YOU WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO THE ICE CREAM SHOP
YOU MIGHT NEVER COME BACK FROM THERE

ANYWAY, EVERY DAY WE WOULD HIT THE OPIUM DENS AND SMOKE A FEW PIPES
NOW, AN OPIUM DEN IS JUST LIKE A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH WAITING ROOMS AND SO ON
BUT THESE WAITING ROOMS ARE UNLIKE ANY WAITING ROOMS YOU’VE EVER BEEN IN
THEY’RE THE BEST WAITING ROOMS IN THE WORLD
CUZ EVERY KIND OF HIPPIE FROM EVERYWHERE IS PASSIN THROUGH
AND EVERY KIND OF DOPE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD IS BEING ROLLED UP AND PUFFED UP
AND EVERYBODY IS COMPLETEY UNDER THE WEATHER AND INTENSELY STUPIFIED
AND WE AIN’T EVEN HIT THE OPIUM PIPES YET

ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH
AND IT ALMOST WAS
EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR DETAIL

IN THAT

TRY AS WE MIGHT
WE COULD NEVER FIND ANY FAGS AND MATCHES
AND THIS MAMMOTH DOSE OF CULTURE SHOCK HIT ME
LIKE A SMACKERY BLIRDIE STRAIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE
IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED
THAT IN THE WEST WE GOT ALL THE FAGS AND MATCHES
AND IN THE EAST THEY GOT ALL THE DOPE
AND THERE REALLY AIN’T ANYPLACE IN BETWEEN THAT’S GOT EVERYTHING

SO BEING A HIPPIE SONGWRITER WITHOUT NO FAGS AND MATCHES
I NATURALLY HAD TO WRITE ABOUT IT
AND IN A DOPE -SLASH- OPIUM BASED STUPOR
I WAS ABLE TO BASH OUT THIS REALLY DOPEY SONG
WHICH SO APTLY CHRONICLED MY LAMENT
AND IT IS WITH NO SMALL AMOUNT OF JUBILATION
THAT I PRESENT IT HERE FOR YOU NOW

SO MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE ONE AND ONLY FAGS AND MATCHES
AND DENIS LAING AND HIS LITTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR

HIP HIP HURRAH
HIP HIP HURRAH
NAY
HIP HIP HURRAY

~~~~~~~~

AND SO MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS WE SPEND
ANOTHER WEARY DAY WITHOUT NO FAGS AND MATCHES
I WOULDNT CARE NO BUT I PASSED THE SHOP TODAY
WHERE THEY SELL THEM FAGS AND MATCHES
THE MAN SAID STEP RIGHT IN
I GAVE HIM HALF A GRIN
HE SAID ‘BOY, YOU OUTTA STEP RIGHT UP AND TRY SOME OF THESE FAGS AND MATCHES’
THAT’S WHEN MY MIND IT FLASHED YOU SEE I HAD NO SPENDIN’ CASH
SO COULDN’T GET NO FAGS AND MATCHES IM SORRY BOYS

FAGS AND MATCHES
NEVER MEANT FOR ME
FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA

ITS NOT SKINS WE LACK NO
WE GOT OUR CHILLUM BACK BABY
STILL WE GOT NO FAGS AND MATCHES
I’M SORRY BOYS
WE GOT A CHOPPIN BOARD FOR GRASS
A HEATING SPOON FOR HASH
OH STILL WE GOT NO FAGS AND FUCKIN MATCHES I’M SORRY BOYS

FAGS AND MATCHES
NEVER MEANT FOR ME
FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA

AND SO MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS
WE BEEN FILLIN’ OUR DAILY DREAMS
WITH THOSE MAGNIFICENT FAGS AND MATCHES
BUT DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
NO I’M NOT BLAMIN’ YOU BUT BABY
STILL WE GOT NO FAGS OR FUCKIN’ MATCHES
THESE DAYS I SAY

FAGS AND MATCHES
NEVER MEANT FOR ME
FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY
MATCHES AND FAGS
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER MEANT FOR ME BABY
YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY

MATCHES AND FAGS YEA
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA