Fags and Matches

by Denis Laing

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    In the spirit of sharing Denis' spirit, these tracks are free! However, if you should choose to pay for the music, all proceeds will go to offsetting the costs of his medical care. Either way, thank you for listening!!
    Accompanying this album, please find a downloadable PDF of lyrics.

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about

Fags and Matches is a trove of humorous songs, written throughout Denis' lifetime that had not yet been recorded. Its title track, Fags and Matches, was Denis' very first song, and vividly details his experiences as a young man traveling in Afghanistan.

credits

released March 7, 2017

All songs are performed solely by Denis Laing.

Sound Engineering: Erika Laing
Shaken Not Stirred, Mixed Not Mastered

All tracks ©2017 by Denis Laing

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about

Denis Laing Jensen Beach, Florida

Originally from Aberdeen, Scotland, Denis has been a lifelong songwriter and musician, generating a huge catalog of material ranging from pop punk to country to singer-songwriter genres. He has also been a huge inspiration to his children, both of whom are musicians and songwriters themselves, simply in admiration of their father. ... more

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Track Name: Fags and Matches
GOOD EVENING OFFICER
GOOD EVENING ALL
MY NAME IS DENIS LAING
AND WHAT YOU’RE LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW
IS THE PREAMBLE TO THE SONG FAGS AND MATCHES

SOME SONGS NEED NO INTRODUCTION
OTHER SONGS COULD USE A LITTLE HELP
BUT I’VE GOT THIS SONG CALLED FAGS AND MATCHES
AND ITS SO OBTUSE AS IT NEEDS ITS OWN PREAMBLE JUST TO MAKE IT PALATABLE

YOU’D THINK A GOOD SONG WOULD TELL ITS OWN STORY
BUT I NEVER SAID THIS WAS A GOOD SONG

BUT ANYWAY
THE STORY OF FAGS AND MATCHES BEGINS IN 1971 IN KABUL AFGHANISTAN
WHERE ME AND MY BUDDIES SPEND A WEEK
DURING AN OVERLAND TREK FROM LONDON TO INDIA

WE WERE THERE TO SMOKE AS MUCH DOPE AS WE POSSIBLY COULD
AND I REMEMBER I HAD A GIANT BOTTLE OF COUGH MIXTURE IN ME BACKPACK
FOR JUST SUCH AN EVENING

WELL WHEN WE GOT TO OUR HOTEL ROOM
IT WAS SO BIG THAT EVERYBODY HUNG OUT WITH US
TO SMOKE-A THE DOPE-A AND PLAY TUNES ON MY GUITAR AND WHATNOT
KIND OS JUST LIKE WHAT I’M DOIN RIGHT NOW

THERE WAS AN OPIUM DEN ON EITHER SIDE OF OUR HOTEL
SO YOU COULDN’T GET LOST
WELL UNLESS YOU WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO THE ICE CREAM SHOP
YOU MIGHT NEVER COME BACK FROM THERE

ANYWAY, EVERY DAY WE WOULD HIT THE OPIUM DENS AND SMOKE A FEW PIPES
NOW, AN OPIUM DEN IS JUST LIKE A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH WAITING ROOMS AND SO ON
BUT THESE WAITING ROOMS ARE UNLIKE ANY WAITING ROOMS YOU’VE EVER BEEN IN
THEY’RE THE BEST WAITING ROOMS IN THE WORLD
CUZ EVERY KIND OF HIPPIE FROM EVERYWHERE IS PASSIN THROUGH
AND EVERY KIND OF DOPE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD IS BEING ROLLED UP AND PUFFED UP
AND EVERYBODY IS COMPLETEY UNDER THE WEATHER AND INTENSELY STUPIFIED
AND WE AIN’T EVEN HIT THE OPIUM PIPES YET

ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH
AND IT ALMOST WAS
EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR DETAIL

IN THAT

TRY AS WE MIGHT
WE COULD NEVER FIND ANY FAGS AND MATCHES
AND THIS MAMMOTH DOSE OF CULTURE SHOCK HIT ME
LIKE A SMACKERY BLIRDIE STRAIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE
IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED
THAT IN THE WEST WE GOT ALL THE FAGS AND MATCHES
AND IN THE EAST THEY GOT ALL THE DOPE
AND THERE REALLY AIN’T ANYPLACE IN BETWEEN THAT’S GOT EVERYTHING

SO BEING A HIPPIE SONGWRITER WITHOUT NO FAGS AND MATCHES
I NATURALLY HAD TO WRITE ABOUT IT
AND IN A DOPE -SLASH- OPIUM BASED STUPOR
I WAS ABLE TO BASH OUT THIS REALLY DOPEY SONG
WHICH SO APTLY CHRONICLED MY LAMENT
AND IT IS WITH NO SMALL AMOUNT OF JUBILATION
THAT I PRESENT IT HERE FOR YOU NOW

SO MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU
THE ONE AND ONLY FAGS AND MATCHES
AND DENIS LAING AND HIS LITTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR

HIP HIP HURRAH
HIP HIP HURRAH
NAY
HIP HIP HURRAY

~~~~~~~~

AND SO MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS WE SPEND
ANOTHER WEARY DAY WITHOUT NO FAGS AND MATCHES
I WOULDNT CARE NO BUT I PASSED THE SHOP TODAY
WHERE THEY SELL THEM FAGS AND MATCHES
THE MAN SAID STEP RIGHT IN
I GAVE HIM HALF A GRIN
HE SAID ‘BOY, YOU OUTTA STEP RIGHT UP AND TRY SOME OF THESE FAGS AND MATCHES’
THAT’S WHEN MY MIND IT FLASHED YOU SEE I HAD NO SPENDIN’ CASH
SO COULDN’T GET NO FAGS AND MATCHES IM SORRY BOYS

FAGS AND MATCHES
NEVER MEANT FOR ME
FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA

ITS NOT SKINS WE LACK NO
WE GOT OUR CHILLUM BACK BABY
STILL WE GOT NO FAGS AND MATCHES
I’M SORRY BOYS
WE GOT A CHOPPIN BOARD FOR GRASS
A HEATING SPOON FOR HASH
OH STILL WE GOT NO FAGS AND FUCKIN MATCHES I’M SORRY BOYS

FAGS AND MATCHES
NEVER MEANT FOR ME
FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA

AND SO MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS
WE BEEN FILLIN’ OUR DAILY DREAMS
WITH THOSE MAGNIFICENT FAGS AND MATCHES
BUT DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
NO I’M NOT BLAMIN’ YOU BUT BABY
STILL WE GOT NO FAGS OR FUCKIN’ MATCHES
THESE DAYS I SAY

FAGS AND MATCHES
NEVER MEANT FOR ME
FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY
MATCHES AND FAGS
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER MEANT FOR ME BABY
YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY

MATCHES AND FAGS YEA
MATCHES AND FAGS YEA
Track Name: Liechtenstein
SAY DOES ANYBODY WANNA GO TO LIECHTENSTEIN
DOESN’T ANYBODY GO THERE ANYMORE
I GOT A JONES I WANT TO SEE A FRIEND OF MINE
BUT THE CRAZY MOTHER FUCKER LIVES IN LIECHTENSTEIN
NESTLED LONLEY ON THE BORDER SHE’S AN OUTLAW
BETWEEN THE SHADOWS OF FORGOTTEN VOLCANOES
AND EVERY BODY COME AND GO FROM MOZAMBIQUE TO MONACO
BUT THERE AINT NOBODY WANNA GO TO LIECHTENSTEIN

OH MY LIECHTENSTEIN, MY LIECHTENSTEIN
YOU A PAWN OF INTERNATIONAL INTRIGUE
YOU A HOT BED FULL OF SPIES FULL OF SECRECY AND LIES
AND THERE AINT NOBODY WANNA GO WITH ME
TO THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW WHERE NOBODY WANNA GO
AND EVERYBODY THERE JUST WANNA LEAVE
OH MY LIECHTENSTEIN, IT’S JUST YOU AND ME
OH AND MY LITTLE BUDDIE CAN’T YOU SEE

THERE’S A UNIVERSE OUT HERE OH WHY YOU STUCK IN THERE
MAYBE YOU AINT GOT THE FARE
OH YOU AINT GOT THE FARE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO LIECTENSTEIN
FAREWELL TO LIECTENSTEIN, FAREWELL LEICHTENSTEIN
FAREWELL TO LIECHTENSTEIN, AUF WIEDERSEHEN
Track Name: Queen of Diamonds
MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS
TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE
BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS
TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE
BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS
TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE
BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS
TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE
BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS

NOW EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU
IF THE SKY IS GREY OR IF IT’S BLUE
EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU
FOR ME IT IS, I LOVE YOU
EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU
IF THE SKY IS BLUE OR OF IT’S BLACK
CAUSE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU
AND I NEED YOU AND I WANT YOU BAD

MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS………

MAN I WAS UP ALL NIGHT JUST WORRIED ABOUT WHAT
HAPPENS TO A LOVE AFFAIR WHEN THE MONEY’S GONE
WHEN JUST IN TIME A FRIEND OF MINE HAD CALLED ME UP
SAID TIMES ARE TOUGH MAN LOVE GOES ON
WELL I WAS STOKED CAUSE I’M HALF BROKE AND I’M A
HALF WAY DOWN THE ROAD TO YOU NOW DON’T LOOK BACK
CAUSE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU
AND I NEED YOU AND I WANT YOU BAD

MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS……….

EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY TODAY’S THE DAY
THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF TIME
AND YOU CAN READ ABOUT THIS ON MATCH BOOK COVERS
ALONG WITH HOW ALL HATE IS DEAF AND LOVE IS BLIND
AND LIFE IS NICE CAUSE GOOD ADVICE COMES AT YOU
EVERY TIME YOU STRIKE A MATCH BOOK PACK
LIKE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU
AND I NEED YOU AND I WANT YOU BAD

MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS………
Track Name: One Day
ONE DAY YOU’RE UP ON TOP
YOU GOT ONE DAY YOU’RE ALL FUCKED UP
YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY KNOWS
YOU GOT ONE DAY TO BE SO FINE
YOU GOT ONE DAY TO BLOW YOUR MIND
YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY KNOWS

NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE LOVE GOES
AFTER THE JUICE IS DONE CHUM
NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE WIND BLOWS
THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM
THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM

ONE DAY THEY SMACK YOUR ASS
YOU GOT ONE DAY YOUR LIFE IS PASSED
YOU GOT ONE DAY JUST FOR YOU
YOU GOT ONE DAY TO NEED A FRIEND
YOU GOT ONE DAY TO BE A FRIEND
YOU GOT ONE DAY SAY WHAT YOU GONNA DO

YOU’RE GONNA NEED TIME TO FIGURE OUT
JUST WHAT YOUR LIFE’S ALL ABOUT
YOU’RE GONNA NEED TIME TO MAKE IT HOME
CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU’RE A ROLLIN STONE
NAW DON’T SEEM LIKE TIME ENOUGH FOR YAWL
TO SHIT OR WIND YOUR WATCH UP
YOU GOT ONE DAY IN THE SUN
YOU GOT ONE DAY FOR EVERYONE
ONE DAY IS BETTER THAN NONE CHUM

ONE DAY YOU’RE UP ON TOP
YOU GOT ONE DAY THE PARTY STOPS
YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY SHOWS
YOU GOT ONE DAY TO KINGDOM COME
YOU GOT ONE DAY YOU WILL BE DONE
SON WHEN IT COMES NOBODY KNOWS

NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE TIME GOES
AFTER THE JUICE IS DONE CHUM
NOBODY KNOWS WHERE YOUR LIFE GOES
THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM
THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM

ONE DAY YOUR’E UP ON TOP
YOU GOT ONE DAY YOU’RE ALL FUCKED UP
YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY KNOWS, NOBODY
Track Name: Treacle Banana
SHE COULD GO AWAY NOW IF SHE WANTS TO
MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME
I’LL KICK IN HALF OF THE BUS FARE
ONE WAY TICKET TO FREE - OH YEAH

CUZ I DON’T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM
SHE DON’T CARE WHERE IT GO
JUST AS LONG AS WE BOTH GET
WHAT WE WANT I SUPPOSE

SHE LIKES TREACLE BANANA
I LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE
I LIKE ME CAKE IN THE MORNING
SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH
SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH
SHE LIKE-A BEEF - YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF
SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT

WELL IT’S A HOP SKIP AND JUMP TO THE PAVEMENT
GOING OUT LOOKIN FOR STRANGE
WE’VE GOT A SWINGIN ARRANGMENT
IF WE EVER FEEL LIKE A CHANGE – OH YEAH

CUZ I DON’T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM
SHE DON’T CARE WHERE IT GO
JUST AS LONG AS WE BOTH GET
WHAT WE WANT I SUPPOSE

SHE LIKES TREACLE BANANA
I LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE
I LIKE ME CAKE IN THE MORNING
SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH
SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH
SHE LIKE-A BEEF - YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF
SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT

SHE CAN GO AWAY NOW IF SHE WANTS TO
NOTHIN GOIN ON AROUND HERE
SHE’S GONE A LITTLE BIT LESBO
I ‘VE GONE A LITTLE BIT QUEER – OH YEAH

SHE DON’T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM
I DON’T CARE WHERE IT GO
JUST AS LONG AS WE BOTH KEEP GETTING
WHAT WE WANT I SUPPOSE

NOW I LIKE TREACLE BANANA
SHE LIKES STRAWBERRY PIE
SHE LIKES-A CAKE IN THE MORNING
I LIKE BEEF IN THE NIGHT – OH YEAH

CUZ WE LIKE TREACLE BANANA
WE LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE
WE LIKE CAKE IN THE MORNING
WE LIKE BEEF IN THE NIGHT
WE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT
OH YEAH
WE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT
OH YEAH
WE LIKE-A BEEF
YEAH WE LIKE-A BEEF
WE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT

WE LIKE CAKE
EVERYBODY LIKE CAKE
WE LKE CAKE
I LIKE CAKE
YOU LIKE CAKE
EVERYBODY LIKE CAKE
Track Name: Men Are From Mars
MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS
MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS

LIFE IS HARD LYING ON YOUR BED OF NAILS
IN THE DARK SAY WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO SHARP
COUNTING SCARS IN SECRET PLACES NO ONE SEES
WE’LL MAKE HISTORY TONIGHT IN MAGIC MOMENTS NO ONE KEEPS

MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS
BOYS HAVE A PENIS, BOYS HAVE A PENIS, BOYS HAVE A PENIS

LOST IN SPACE

MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS
MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE
Track Name: Unstoppable
SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE

SHES SO MEAN THEY WANNA TAKE AWAY HER BABY
JUST TIL SHE GETS CLEAN THEN SHE GETS HIM BACK AGAIN MAYBE
MAYBE TURNS INTO MAYBE NEXT YEAR
BOYFRIEND’S GONE IT’S A LITTLE BIT WEIRD
SHE’S SAYIN I CAN’T WAIT AROUND ON SOMEBODY TO SAVE ME

OH YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE

SHE’S SO FINE YOU GAVE HER BACK THINGS YOU NEVER STOLE
SHE’LL FREE YOUR MIND WHILE YOU SLAVE AWAY YOUR VERY SOUL
HOPIN SHE’LL FIND A REASON FOR YOU
MOPIN AROUND WITH A SISTER OR TWO
POKIN AROUND TRYIN TO SEE IF ANY BOOTY’S SHAKIN LOOSE NOW

YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY
SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, OH YEA

SHE’S SO BAD STILL SHE’S BETTER THAN YOU EVER HAD
AND SHE’LL MAKE YOU MAD BUT YOU’RE GOIN BACK AGAIN
I’M GONNA COUNT TO TEN AND YOU’RE GOIN BACK AGAIN

SHE’S SO FINE SHE’S MAKIN MONEY ON THE WEEKEND
AND SHE’LL BLOW YOUR MIND FOR A FEE AGAIN
FOR A FIVE OR TEN YOU’RE GONNA PAY AGAIN

SHE’S SO MEAN SHE’S MAKIN MONEY OFF HER BABY
AND SHE CANT GET CLEAN WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE’S ON
PAYIN TEN TO ONE SHE’S STILL ON THE RUN BABY

SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY….…