GOOD EVENING OFFICER GOOD EVENING ALL MY NAME IS DENIS LAING AND WHAT YOU’RE LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW IS THE PREAMBLE TO THE SONG FAGS AND MATCHES SOME SONGS NEED NO INTRODUCTION OTHER SONGS COULD USE A LITTLE HELP BUT I’VE GOT THIS SONG CALLED FAGS AND MATCHES AND ITS SO OBTUSE AS IT NEEDS ITS OWN PREAMBLE JUST TO MAKE IT PALATABLE YOU’D THINK A GOOD SONG WOULD TELL ITS OWN STORY BUT I NEVER SAID THIS WAS A GOOD SONG BUT ANYWAY THE STORY OF FAGS AND MATCHES BEGINS IN 1971 IN KABUL AFGHANISTAN WHERE ME AND MY BUDDIES SPEND A WEEK DURING AN OVERLAND TREK FROM LONDON TO INDIA WE WERE THERE TO SMOKE AS MUCH DOPE AS WE POSSIBLY COULD AND I REMEMBER I HAD A GIANT BOTTLE OF COUGH MIXTURE IN ME BACKPACK FOR JUST SUCH AN EVENING WELL WHEN WE GOT TO OUR HOTEL ROOM IT WAS SO BIG THAT EVERYBODY HUNG OUT WITH US TO SMOKE-A THE DOPE-A AND PLAY TUNES ON MY GUITAR AND WHATNOT KIND OS JUST LIKE WHAT I’M DOIN RIGHT NOW THERE WAS AN OPIUM DEN ON EITHER SIDE OF OUR HOTEL SO YOU COULDN’T GET LOST WELL UNLESS YOU WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO THE ICE CREAM SHOP YOU MIGHT NEVER COME BACK FROM THERE ANYWAY, EVERY DAY WE WOULD HIT THE OPIUM DENS AND SMOKE A FEW PIPES NOW, AN OPIUM DEN IS JUST LIKE A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WITH WAITING ROOMS AND SO ON BUT THESE WAITING ROOMS ARE UNLIKE ANY WAITING ROOMS YOU’VE EVER BEEN IN THEY’RE THE BEST WAITING ROOMS IN THE WORLD CUZ EVERY KIND OF HIPPIE FROM EVERYWHERE IS PASSIN THROUGH AND EVERY KIND OF DOPE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD IS BEING ROLLED UP AND PUFFED UP AND EVERYBODY IS COMPLETEY UNDER THE WEATHER AND INTENSELY STUPIFIED AND WE AIN’T EVEN HIT THE OPIUM PIPES YET ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH AND IT ALMOST WAS EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR DETAIL IN THAT TRY AS WE MIGHT WE COULD NEVER FIND ANY FAGS AND MATCHES AND THIS MAMMOTH DOSE OF CULTURE SHOCK HIT ME LIKE A SMACKERY BLIRDIE STRAIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED THAT IN THE WEST WE GOT ALL THE FAGS AND MATCHES AND IN THE EAST THEY GOT ALL THE DOPE AND THERE REALLY AIN’T ANYPLACE IN BETWEEN THAT’S GOT EVERYTHING SO BEING A HIPPIE SONGWRITER WITHOUT NO FAGS AND MATCHES I NATURALLY HAD TO WRITE ABOUT IT AND IN A DOPE -SLASH- OPIUM BASED STUPOR I WAS ABLE TO BASH OUT THIS REALLY DOPEY SONG WHICH SO APTLY CHRONICLED MY LAMENT AND IT IS WITH NO SMALL AMOUNT OF JUBILATION THAT I PRESENT IT HERE FOR YOU NOW SO MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU THE ONE AND ONLY FAGS AND MATCHES AND DENIS LAING AND HIS LITTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR HIP HIP HURRAH HIP HIP HURRAH NAY HIP HIP HURRAY ~~~~~~~~ AND SO MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS WE SPEND ANOTHER WEARY DAY WITHOUT NO FAGS AND MATCHES I WOULDNT CARE NO BUT I PASSED THE SHOP TODAY WHERE THEY SELL THEM FAGS AND MATCHES THE MAN SAID STEP RIGHT IN I GAVE HIM HALF A GRIN HE SAID ‘BOY, YOU OUTTA STEP RIGHT UP AND TRY SOME OF THESE FAGS AND MATCHES’ THAT’S WHEN MY MIND IT FLASHED YOU SEE I HAD NO SPENDIN’ CASH SO COULDN’T GET NO FAGS AND MATCHES IM SORRY BOYS FAGS AND MATCHES NEVER MEANT FOR ME FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY MATCHES AND FAGS YEA ITS NOT SKINS WE LACK NO WE GOT OUR CHILLUM BACK BABY STILL WE GOT NO FAGS AND MATCHES I’M SORRY BOYS WE GOT A CHOPPIN BOARD FOR GRASS A HEATING SPOON FOR HASH OH STILL WE GOT NO FAGS AND FUCKIN MATCHES I’M SORRY BOYS FAGS AND MATCHES NEVER MEANT FOR ME FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY MATCHES AND FAGS YEA MATCHES AND FAGS YEA AND SO MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS WE BEEN FILLIN’ OUR DAILY DREAMS WITH THOSE MAGNIFICENT FAGS AND MATCHES BUT DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE NO I’M NOT BLAMIN’ YOU BUT BABY STILL WE GOT NO FAGS OR FUCKIN’ MATCHES THESE DAYS I SAY FAGS AND MATCHES NEVER MEANT FOR ME FAGS AND MATCHES YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY MATCHES AND FAGS NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER MEANT FOR ME BABY YOU GOIN’ HEAR ME CRY MATCHES AND FAGS YEA MATCHES AND FAGS YEA

SAY DOES ANYBODY WANNA GO TO LIECHTENSTEIN DOESN’T ANYBODY GO THERE ANYMORE I GOT A JONES I WANT TO SEE A FRIEND OF MINE BUT THE CRAZY MOTHER FUCKER LIVES IN LIECHTENSTEIN NESTLED LONLEY ON THE BORDER SHE’S AN OUTLAW BETWEEN THE SHADOWS OF FORGOTTEN VOLCANOES AND EVERY BODY COME AND GO FROM MOZAMBIQUE TO MONACO BUT THERE AINT NOBODY WANNA GO TO LIECHTENSTEIN OH MY LIECHTENSTEIN, MY LIECHTENSTEIN YOU A PAWN OF INTERNATIONAL INTRIGUE YOU A HOT BED FULL OF SPIES FULL OF SECRECY AND LIES AND THERE AINT NOBODY WANNA GO WITH ME TO THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW WHERE NOBODY WANNA GO AND EVERYBODY THERE JUST WANNA LEAVE OH MY LIECHTENSTEIN, IT’S JUST YOU AND ME OH AND MY LITTLE BUDDIE CAN’T YOU SEE THERE’S A UNIVERSE OUT HERE OH WHY YOU STUCK IN THERE MAYBE YOU AINT GOT THE FARE OH YOU AINT GOT THE FARE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO LIECTENSTEIN FAREWELL TO LIECTENSTEIN, FAREWELL LEICHTENSTEIN FAREWELL TO LIECHTENSTEIN, AUF WIEDERSEHEN

MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS TIL’ HER SOUL BOLTS COME LOOSE BUT I MARIED THE QUEEN OF HEARTS NOW EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU IF THE SKY IS GREY OR IF IT’S BLUE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU FOR ME IT IS, I LOVE YOU EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU IF THE SKY IS BLUE OR OF IT’S BLACK CAUSE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU AND I WANT YOU BAD MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS……… MAN I WAS UP ALL NIGHT JUST WORRIED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO A LOVE AFFAIR WHEN THE MONEY’S GONE WHEN JUST IN TIME A FRIEND OF MINE HAD CALLED ME UP SAID TIMES ARE TOUGH MAN LOVE GOES ON WELL I WAS STOKED CAUSE I’M HALF BROKE AND I’M A HALF WAY DOWN THE ROAD TO YOU NOW DON’T LOOK BACK CAUSE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU AND I WANT YOU BAD MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS………. EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY TODAY’S THE DAY THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF TIME AND YOU CAN READ ABOUT THIS ON MATCH BOOK COVERS ALONG WITH HOW ALL HATE IS DEAF AND LOVE IS BLIND AND LIFE IS NICE CAUSE GOOD ADVICE COMES AT YOU EVERY TIME YOU STRIKE A MATCH BOOK PACK LIKE EVERY DAY’S A DAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU AND I WANT YOU BAD MAN I HAD LOVED THE QUEEN OF DIAMONDS………

ONE DAY YOU’RE UP ON TOP YOU GOT ONE DAY YOU’RE ALL FUCKED UP YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY KNOWS YOU GOT ONE DAY TO BE SO FINE YOU GOT ONE DAY TO BLOW YOUR MIND YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY KNOWS NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE LOVE GOES AFTER THE JUICE IS DONE CHUM NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE WIND BLOWS THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM ONE DAY THEY SMACK YOUR ASS YOU GOT ONE DAY YOUR LIFE IS PASSED YOU GOT ONE DAY JUST FOR YOU YOU GOT ONE DAY TO NEED A FRIEND YOU GOT ONE DAY TO BE A FRIEND YOU GOT ONE DAY SAY WHAT YOU GONNA DO YOU’RE GONNA NEED TIME TO FIGURE OUT JUST WHAT YOUR LIFE’S ALL ABOUT YOU’RE GONNA NEED TIME TO MAKE IT HOME CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU’RE A ROLLIN STONE NAW DON’T SEEM LIKE TIME ENOUGH FOR YAWL TO SHIT OR WIND YOUR WATCH UP YOU GOT ONE DAY IN THE SUN YOU GOT ONE DAY FOR EVERYONE ONE DAY IS BETTER THAN NONE CHUM ONE DAY YOU’RE UP ON TOP YOU GOT ONE DAY THE PARTY STOPS YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY SHOWS YOU GOT ONE DAY TO KINGDOM COME YOU GOT ONE DAY YOU WILL BE DONE SON WHEN IT COMES NOBODY KNOWS NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE TIME GOES AFTER THE JUICE IS DONE CHUM NOBODY KNOWS WHERE YOUR LIFE GOES THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM THAT’S WHERE THE BLUES COMES FROM CHUM ONE DAY YOUR’E UP ON TOP YOU GOT ONE DAY YOU’RE ALL FUCKED UP YOU GOT ONE DAY NOBODY KNOWS, NOBODY

SHE COULD GO AWAY NOW IF SHE WANTS TO MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME I’LL KICK IN HALF OF THE BUS FARE ONE WAY TICKET TO FREE - OH YEAH CUZ I DON’T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM SHE DON’T CARE WHERE IT GO JUST AS LONG AS WE BOTH GET WHAT WE WANT I SUPPOSE SHE LIKES TREACLE BANANA I LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE I LIKE ME CAKE IN THE MORNING SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF - YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT WELL IT’S A HOP SKIP AND JUMP TO THE PAVEMENT GOING OUT LOOKIN FOR STRANGE WE’VE GOT A SWINGIN ARRANGMENT IF WE EVER FEEL LIKE A CHANGE – OH YEAH CUZ I DON’T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM SHE DON’T CARE WHERE IT GO JUST AS LONG AS WE BOTH GET WHAT WE WANT I SUPPOSE SHE LIKES TREACLE BANANA I LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE I LIKE ME CAKE IN THE MORNING SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT - OH YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF - YEAH SHE LIKE-A BEEF SHE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT SHE CAN GO AWAY NOW IF SHE WANTS TO NOTHIN GOIN ON AROUND HERE SHE’S GONE A LITTLE BIT LESBO I ‘VE GONE A LITTLE BIT QUEER – OH YEAH SHE DON’T CARE WHERE IT CAME FROM I DON’T CARE WHERE IT GO JUST AS LONG AS WE BOTH KEEP GETTING WHAT WE WANT I SUPPOSE NOW I LIKE TREACLE BANANA SHE LIKES STRAWBERRY PIE SHE LIKES-A CAKE IN THE MORNING I LIKE BEEF IN THE NIGHT – OH YEAH CUZ WE LIKE TREACLE BANANA WE LIKE STRAWBERRY PIE WE LIKE CAKE IN THE MORNING WE LIKE BEEF IN THE NIGHT WE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT OH YEAH WE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT OH YEAH WE LIKE-A BEEF YEAH WE LIKE-A BEEF WE LIKE-A BEEF IN THE NIGHT WE LIKE CAKE EVERYBODY LIKE CAKE WE LKE CAKE I LIKE CAKE YOU LIKE CAKE EVERYBODY LIKE CAKE

MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS LIFE IS HARD LYING ON YOUR BED OF NAILS IN THE DARK SAY WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO SHARP COUNTING SCARS IN SECRET PLACES NO ONE SEES WE’LL MAKE HISTORY TONIGHT IN MAGIC MOMENTS NO ONE KEEPS MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS BOYS HAVE A PENIS, BOYS HAVE A PENIS, BOYS HAVE A PENIS LOST IN SPACE MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE A PENIS MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS GIRLS HAVE A VAGINA BOYS HAVE

SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHES SO MEAN THEY WANNA TAKE AWAY HER BABY JUST TIL SHE GETS CLEAN THEN SHE GETS HIM BACK AGAIN MAYBE MAYBE TURNS INTO MAYBE NEXT YEAR BOYFRIEND’S GONE IT’S A LITTLE BIT WEIRD SHE’S SAYIN I CAN’T WAIT AROUND ON SOMEBODY TO SAVE ME OH YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S SO FINE YOU GAVE HER BACK THINGS YOU NEVER STOLE SHE’LL FREE YOUR MIND WHILE YOU SLAVE AWAY YOUR VERY SOUL HOPIN SHE’LL FIND A REASON FOR YOU MOPIN AROUND WITH A SISTER OR TWO POKIN AROUND TRYIN TO SEE IF ANY BOOTY’S SHAKIN LOOSE NOW YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY YEA SHE’S SWEET SIXTEEN AND SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, OH YEA SHE’S SO BAD STILL SHE’S BETTER THAN YOU EVER HAD AND SHE’LL MAKE YOU MAD BUT YOU’RE GOIN BACK AGAIN I’M GONNA COUNT TO TEN AND YOU’RE GOIN BACK AGAIN SHE’S SO FINE SHE’S MAKIN MONEY ON THE WEEKEND AND SHE’LL BLOW YOUR MIND FOR A FEE AGAIN FOR A FIVE OR TEN YOU’RE GONNA PAY AGAIN SHE’S SO MEAN SHE’S MAKIN MONEY OFF HER BABY AND SHE CANT GET CLEAN WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE’S ON PAYIN TEN TO ONE SHE’S STILL ON THE RUN BABY SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE YEA, SHE’S UNSTOPPABLE BABY….…